William's works
Epic Comedy. Epic Fantasy. Epic Adulting. Get it here*
Attempting Adulthood
Helping you through adulthood without a lifetime of rakes to the face
You're happily skipping through life, playing football, having fun, eating ice-cream...then, suddenly, adulthood turns up and stomps on your daffodils.
This guide is written by two people who have stumbled through life so chaotically that they are pretty sure that, between them, they have made all the available mistakes and are therefore perfectly primed to help you avoid them.
Winging it (Coming soon)
Chaotic, funny, fast...like a rocket powered clown car
Darren's life is simple, repetitive, and easy - yet he's still terrible at it.Jane is an angel in training, although she doesn't know it.All she's got to do to earn her wings is look after Darren. Easy enough surely?The thing is the general operations director - GOD for short - is going to make Darren's humdrum life considerably more interesting.Looking for long, beautiful descriptions? Never-ending paragraphs? Something happening once every seventeen pages?
You’re looking under the wrong sofa.Think of an apple, a cat, or next door’s wheelie bin — can you picture it? I can’t. Not even a tiny bit. I just see darkness, like the inside of next door’s wheelie bin.That’s called aphantasia, and comedy romps in the void.This is an aphantasy comedy novel: minimal description, maximal dialogue. Things happen very often. Things happen very fast. And people rarely stop talking.Basically, It's aphantastic comedy novel. See what I did there?Don't forget your radish.
Newsletter
An opportunity for you to allow me to send you words...probably very sporadically...plus free horoscopes. Guaranteed made up on the spot, Jupiter is in Uranus so it must be true.
Aphantasia
You know when people say, “picture a cat, or an apple, or a house — or a cat eating an apple sat on a house”? They actually CAN. Not symbolically, not metaphorically, not figuratively — but actually, in their head, in full colour. I think there’s even popcorn.When I discovered this, it blew my mind… because I can’t. Nothing. Not even the tiniest, weeniest glimpse of a fruit-munching moggie.Most people are out there, wandering about, having a good old see whenever they fancy it.Honestly, I’m surprised they ever leave the house
Well. This is awkward.I only added the FAX icon because I was astonished it was an option. If there had been a carrier pigeon icon I'd have added that too.But now, here you are, wanting one. A FAX that is, not a pigeon.I'll see what I can do but an audio file of that classic fax machine noise attached to an email might have to do. That should scratch the itch.